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Talk:The Case of Stitch (Part 1)/@comment-30307610-20170823172110
Before I get into this I want to make something clear. Everything I write here is to help you become a better writer, I in no way am writing this as an attack against you. If you have any questions about what I said I will be happy to discuss it with you. Alright so it looks like I have a large character limit. The first thing I notice when reading this story is the large amount of syntax errors. It is highly distracting. I would suggest going through and working on this as it will not only improve your story, it will shorten it so that readers aren't going through a slog to finish it. That said, it seems like either you have a limited understanding of how police work or you just don't want to set up any characterization. For instance, it is highly unlikely that a seasoned detective has not seen something as bad as "missing limbs" and "face torn off" I was in a forensic class in high school in a small town and I saw pictures of stuff worse than that. In addition, describing things as "too grotesque for words" is not a descriptor and you used it or something like it a few times. Either describe what is being seen or don't. In addition to this you stated that the police had found the girl to be "crazy" and "wouldn't help", there is absolutely no reason that a police department would write off someone who claims to have someone or something visiting her window every night when she has VIDEO EVIDENCE, which you had already established she had. In order to set something up like the two above things you need to do just that, set it up. "I hadn't seen something this bad since..." "It was a small town, we ussually only get the occasional hit and run, but this, this was something else" "It was a shame, the police station was understaffed and couldn't always handle everything." These statements set up that the police aren't able to take every case, that they arent used to violent crimes and even when they are, they arent as bad. There has to be some sort of build up. There also is very few times that a police officer will take evidence home. When they do they have to sign it out and go through and catelogue everything, while you dont need to do this every time, you should have a scene were this is done, maybe have the narrator complain about how much of a chore it is. It is also weird that you seem to think that a police officer only works at the office about 4 hours a day. There is one scene where their entire day consists of fast forwarding and watching part of an at most 8 hour video. Since the video claims the creature came up at dawn (around 6 most times), and you said the creature didnt appear for the first few hours I am left to assume about 4 hours of time, even if you take into account that they got the "better viewing equipment". This line here: "I remembered reading that on the third day the woman had called the police. I didn’t remember anyone telling me someone had called, claiming to be being stalked by night or claiming someone was standing outside her windows at night. She also wrote in her journal that she called someone to come stay the night with her. During his interview, we found out he was her cousin. I know he found the body. He woke up to screaming in the middle of the night but claimed he couldn’t open the door in time to save her. He was held as a suspect in custody inside a mental hospital. The incident had caused severe mental damage. He refused to discuss the event and only muttered to himself. He was the second victim this killer had claimed." can just be removed. It is frontloading, something that is actually done a lot in this story. The last line in this story to give another example, any time that you describe something as "horrifying" or "gross" before actually describing it for a third. Keep in mind that you are trying to show the reader what is going on, not tell them. As far as the creature goes, its ok. Its basically The Rake, but with a little other nuances. Nothing fancy, its a bit overplayed but the fact that he has magic powers is weird. There is a lot more I could go into for this story but overall it really needs to be reworked and improved. Focus on the meat of the story then go back and fix all the syntax errors, this is something that should really be cleaned up before the story gets posted. Overall a nice attempt. 2/10